(The following is a blog written by my daughter, Carson's mom, with her permission, of course. It's a bit long, but please take the time to read it through. It will give you some insight, and hopefully, some compassion, for parents and children with challenges. I am just so very proud of my daughter for recognizing that there IS a challenge to be met, and for being courageous enough to seek help for him. It's a testament to her strength and love for her son.)
March 18, 2009 - Wednesday
Current mood: drained
I write this in the midst of one of Carson's episodes. He is 5 now and oh yes, we still have some serious tantrums. As I have written previously, we are in the process of identifying behavioral issues Carson struggles with. For every parent that has a child labeled difficult, my heart goes out to you. I know what it is like to have a child scream at the top of their lungs and throw toys to try to get your attention when they have done something wrong. Screaming such terrible things just to try to get a reaction. The attention that you have been told not to give him. He screams and stomps and yells. And though, repeatedly, I do not give him the attention that he is looking for by this negative behavior, we still go through the same stubborn routine. What triggers it and when is it going to happen? I never know. Anything will set it off. And it continues for a couple seconds sometimes, to literally an hour. There is nothing worse then when it happens in public or with family or friends around. I know anyone who does not or has not dealt with a child like this is thinking, there is no discipline, no boundaries, no rules. Take control of the situation, right? I thought that too before I had one. Even the therapists struggle with him. The most heart breaking thing of having a child with these types of issues is the sadness they feel. They honestly believe the whole world is against them. Carson has repeatedly told me and his therapists that 'God made him a bad boy'. Such a heart breaking thing to hear because he really is a good boy. When he is good, he is amazing. Unfortunately, there is something in him that causes him to act out the way he does. I have never told Carson he was bad. He tells himself he is bad because he knows he gets into trouble and he believes he can't control it. Carson is a very intelligent child (a majority of his problem) so he has deduced that if other kids who behave are told that they are being good, he must be the opposite, bad. Amazing enough, he is one of the most confident boys you will ever meet. His issues do not lie in the fact he doesn't believe in himself. They seem to lie in the fact that he is disappointed by everything and everyone around him. At this moment, he's frustrated with himself for not following directions when we were reading our nightly story and not being able to finish the story. In our house now, there are no warnings. He knows what is expected. If he doesn't do it, then it is done. No second chances. He is screaming at me that he wants a hug. Which is totally heart breaking because as I have learned in my counseling, if I give him a hug, it is actually reinforcing the negative behavior. I have told him 'calmly' that when he calms down and stops screaming at me, I will come in to say goodnight and give him a hug. He is literally screaming at me 'I am calmed down you stupid moron.' Shocking for a lot of people to hear, I know. It is for me too. And oh yes, hurtful. In my mind, I know it is all to get my attention and I must ignore it. My parents would say, go in there and smack his butt. Prior to this institution, I would have done that or gone in and yelled at him to not talk to me that way and this outburst would continue for literally hours because odd as it may sound, the presence of me going in their and rewarding him with even negative attention, is still attention. He is still getting his way and has control. The school is right that by not reacting, it does limit the number of outburst we have and does shorten the length of the battle. By sitting here and not saying anything but repeating a broken record, he does calm down faster and he will apologize after it is over. Staying calm for me is extremely difficult, as I do come from a family of yellers. I'm learning and certainly do have my extremely challenging periods, hence the reason for this blog. As a single mom, I don't have anyone to come in and take a round for me in the ring. So, I find something to occupy my mind to block it out while he takes the time needed to calm down, stop and think. It does not come naturally to Carson and unfortunately that piece is genetic. Carson will be beginning ADHD medication soon to identify if possibly hyperactivity is triggering his frustration. Unfortunately, there is no test that you can give a child to guarantee his issues are hyperactivity. Only that his issues indicate hyperactivity. I've been anti medication for a long time but we have literally gone through every non medicated treatment. I have agreed to give medicine a try for his sake. It must feel awful to get in trouble all the time and feel as angry, hurt and let down as he feels every day. Although his reactions and outburst do frustrate, embarrass, and hurt me, all I want is for my son to feel happy and learn to cope with disappointment. To know that he is as beautiful, smart, loving, charismatic and above all else GOOD, as I know him to be. ....For those other parents raising difficult children or even 'normal' children going through a difficult time, hang in there. It will pass. Just put in your mind the wonderful, happy, smiley times that you and your child(ren) have together and above all else, don't take it personally. The battle is within them as they grow and learn. You are just here to guide and teach them and hope that, in the end, they are well adjusted and happy. They will be as long as you don't give up. I'm not and never will. ....FYI, Carson calmed down shortly after the stupid moron comment and at 9:17 pm (after a hug and a kiss) is fast asleep. As will I be shortly.
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