Down Time

The weekend arrived and it was time to relax. Some of the best therapy I received was during these down times, when I could just relax and visit with my son and daughter (technically, she's my daughter-in- law, but she's REALLY my daughter). You can't be around these two and not laugh. I so enjoy being around them! Here are a few pictures of that first weekend..

Here's Miss Tia gearing up for the football games!

I'm not a football fan, but watching those two watch football is a hoot! And they yell and cheer for their respective teams like they were sitting in the stands!

Here's a picture of their boat...(wanna buy it? It's for sale!)

I was absolutely fascinated by these little chameleons. These little guys are very common. I took so many pictures of them, it seemed like they actually came out to pose after a few days! (I loved them, but rest assured, I would have had a coronary if one of them actually fell on me!!)

My Joshie, kickin' back

On this night before Thanksgiving and the kick-off of the holiday season, I find myself thinking about my kids even more than usual. I am so very thankful for all of them, and while I miss them terribly, I take comfort in the fact that they are ALL wildly successful in their lives and for the most part, happy. They have made me so proud. What mother could possibly ask for more than that?

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy....

...is a psychotherapeutic approach that aims to influence problematic and dysfunctional emotions, behaviors and cognitions through a goal-oriented, systematic procedure...CBT treatments have received empirical support for efficient treatment of a variety of clinical and non-clinical problems, including mood disorders, anxiety disorders, personality disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse disorders, and psychotic disorders. It is often brief and time-limited. (Taken from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

My 2nd visit with Dr. Grant was a brief review of our previous session, then we quickly moved on. In these 1st visits, I learned an amazing number of things: That there are 5 components to any problem: environment, physical, moods, behaviors, and thoughts. Each of these components affects and interacts with the others, so small changes in one area can lead to changes in the other areas. If I could learn to identify these 5 components in my own problems, I could better understand them, making it easier to see what areas I could target for change. It's really not as complicated as the books make it sound!

I learned the difference between feelings and moods, which was enlightening because I always looked at the two as being more or less the same. In fact, feelings are shorter and more fleeting - moods can go on for long periods of time. It's important to realize that your thoughts influence your moods. I learned ways to look at my problems from all sides - the positive, negative, and the neutral. Doing this enables me to look at my problems more objectively and helps me to open my mind to discover several (yes, SEVERAL!) solutions to my previously "unsolvable" problems. I can then choose the best solution to resolve that problem. When I learned a little about the theory behind cognitive therapy, it sounded so simple that in my head, I kept thinking "DUH!" However, when I committed to learn about the theory and methods behind this therapy, I realized that I would have to open my mind far enough to block the preconceived notions and openly learn to understand and apply the methods Dr. Grant was attempting to teach. THAT is not as easy to do when you are in as dark a place as I was during those first few visits!

Post "War"

Despite the Great Honeybun Wars of 2008, the time came for my first appointment with Dr. Grant. I'd been greatly anticipating my first visit with him, although I wasn't quite sure what to expect. I knew Josh had been researching different religions and ways of life in his quest to "live the dream", so I wasn't sure whether I'd be meeting a buttoned-down man in a 3-piece suit or a guy in a Nehru jacket! Would his office consist of Corinthian leather and rich mahogany or tinkling windchimes and the smell of incense wafting through the air?

We pulled into the parking lot and I saw a modest, one-story building. We got out of the car and walked up to the door. I felt rather like a child who was being escorted to her first day of school by her father. Josh tugged at the door, only to find it locked tight. I looked over at him, wondering if locked doors were standard in these places. After a moment of standing there staring at each other and wondering why we had been greeted by a locked door, the doctor appeared. He opened the door and welcomed us in. Josh and the doctor exchanged a few pleastantries, then Josh turned to me, promising that he WOULD be back, and departed. Dr. Grant smiled, asked me how I was and invited me back into his office.

I was pleasantly relieved and for some reason surprised when I saw Dr. Grant. He was not at all what I expected! Just a typical guy in a polo shirt and slacks. No stuffed shirt and no New-Age "tinklings" or "wafting" going on at all! I fully expected to be shown to a couch, but was instead invited to sit in a wonderfully comfy chair that I seemed to just sink into, not unlike I imagine sitting on a cloud would be. He introduced himself to me and I to him. He seemed intrigued by the fact that I had traveled across the United States to see him. I also learned that he was a former Catholic priest, which was fine with me, because I was a former Catholic!

We began right away by discussing the topics covered in the book he had asked me to get prior to our first meeting. No "you are sick and making yourself sicker", no "tell me about yourself and what you're feeling". It was refreshing! This man had a mission and I soon realized that he had no intention of dwelling upon my "problems". He was there to teach me, if I wanted to learn, how to heal myself! It was time to get with the program, there was no time to lose! I actually had a double session with him that day. It was interesting and a bit overwhelming to me, but I really felt that finally, I just may have hit PAY DIRT!

Rescue, 911!

As I mentioned earlier, I was hopefully anticipating meeting this doctor that Josh had told me about. I woke up after my first night in Myrtle Beach. My appointment was at 1pm. A glance at the clock told me it was about 10am Eastern time, but the clock in my head insisted that it was really 7am PACIFIC time. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am NOT a morning person!! In fact, I'm never tracking on all cylinders until about 4 in the afternoon, and that's when I actually have some tracking ability! Despite this, I was excited (as excited as I could be considering my state) about what lay before me, and I fervently hoped that this guy could/would help me get back on track. I crawled out of bed and wandered down the hallway into the kitchen.

Now Tia, or 'T' as I call her, has what I consider to be a beautifully clean and tidy house. She works full time, but comes home each evening after work and dutifully tidies things up. She sweeps the floors, cleans up any stray dishes and generally makes sure things are in their rightful place. Her house SMELLS wonderful. Keep this in mind as I relay the following:

(Cut back to me, stumbling down the hallway.)

I wander into the kitchen and decide I need to eat something. After all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and I'm beginning to think that possibly, this might be my first day on the road back to mental health and wellness. I need to make a good first impression. I choose the most nutritious, delicious breakfast I can find - HONEY BUNS. Of course, any person who's ever eaten a honey bun knows that the only proper way to consume one is to heat it up first. I find a saucer, trip over to the microwave and toss my first meal of the day inside. Now I have been using microwaves since about 1984 and I feel pretty adept at it. I close the door, hit 2-30 on the keypad and "start" it up. I look up and realize I've just ordered this time-saving device to cook my honey bun for 2 hours and 30 minutes!! I find the 'stop' button, open the door (I guess to see if my "meal" was still in there (?)), then close the door, stare at the keypad for a few seconds, hit the keypad and then 'start'. Once again, I'm nuking my bun for 2 hrs and 30 minutes!! "Oh well", I say to myself, "I'll just watch the darn thing and pull it out in 25 seconds". (No rebel microwave was going to get the best of me!) I thought it was a great plan, however I "forgot" that my brain had the attention span of a 5 month old child. I almost immediately walked away from the microwave to glimpse out the window. After gazing out for, oh, probably 5 seconds, it occurred to me that I had left the charger on my cell phone all night and OMG, I'd better go unplug it before the charger becomes the monster I had heard it could be and suck all the chargie-ness back out of the phone!! Down the hall I go. I locate the phone right away (which in itself was a feat). I grabbed the phone and jerked the charger out of the wall, saving the cell from impending death. Of course, I had to check it to make sure my phone was in working order, so I hit the power button and stood there staring at it until it connected with its mother ship (or whatever it is that cell phones connect to that makes them spring to life). Feeling satisfied and just a shade heroic, back down the hall I went, ready to receive my just reward, the breakfast of champions, my honeyb---!!! OH HELL, MY HONEYBUN!! I hightailed it out into the kitchen (meaning I walked as fast as I possibly could to avoid a prat fall). I looked up at the microwave and what I saw was not pretty. I threw open the door and a HUGE ball of smoke, shaped not unlike a mushroom cloud, came rushing out the door at me! Waving arms and hands as furiously as I could, I tried to dispel the smoke enough to check the status of my honeybun. Now, you know how great cinnamon rolls or honeybuns smell when they're heated? Well, this was SO NOT THAT SMELL!! And the honeybun itself? A smoking, steaming pile of goo. I stood there in awe, looking at it for a few seconds, then grabbed the plate to remove it. Oh, the stench! Oh, the smoke! JOSH AND TIA ARE GOING TO KILL ME!! I inhaled, my olfactory lobes desparately searching for the clean, beautiful essence of the home I'd entered only one night before. My mind goes into self defense mode, and for a fraction of a second I think 'well, maybe they'll think the dogs did it'.

"Think, THINK!" I pleaded to my brain. "You've GOT to cover this faux pas before one of the kids find out what you did!" Out I went to the garage and trash bin to destroy the evidence, smoke and stench trailing behind me as thick as a vapor trail. I get to the garbage, honeybun still dripping with smoke, and attempt to dump it in the trash. But the damn thing wouldn't dump!! It clung to that saucer for dear life, not wanting to be banished, uneaten, to a landfill! (By this time, I'm pretty sure the thing was not even a food product anymore. It was as hard as a carp and a whole lot darker than it was when I put it in the nuclear oven). What to do....What to do? I grabbed a knife and tried to get under the thing, but somehow the chemicals in the bun and the saucer had melded to form the strongest super glue known to man!! I chiseled that bun off the plate in record time though (along with just a little of the plate's pattern - SERIOUSLY, it was barely noticeable!), and raced back into the house to find some air freshener. I looked high and low and couldn't find anything resembling any kind of freshener! I did what I knew I had to do and called Josh at work. Certainly HE had to have incinerated something in that devilish microwave! Of course! He would probably just chuckle sympathetically and let me know where I could find some air freshener to mask the ODOR FROM HELL. I grabbed the phone and began dialing...............

After just a few rings, the phone is answered and I hear a cheery "Quantum Talent, this is Peg". In the most casual tone I could muster, I said "Hi Peg, this is Dawn, Josh's mom. Can I talk to him for a minute please?" After a few moments of dead air, Peg stammers "Um, well Dawn, I thought he was with YOU!" Upon hearing these words, I realize that Josh must have stayed home with me and was somewhere in the nether-regions of the house. It then occurred to me that Peg had become a tad bit, well let's say, concerned? Before I could say "Oh, sorry Peg....", she was verbally trying to reason that possibly he'd just gotten a late start and would surely be arriving momentarily. "Well if he's not there, I'm sure he'll be here shortly and I'll have him call you right away, Dawn". "Thanks, Peg" I manage to stammer in a raspy voice and hung up the phone. As I turned around I found Josh casually walking down the hallway, hair still dripping wet from the shower. As he turned the corner, a look of alarm came over his face and he, not so casually, flew through the dining room and into the kitchen. "Je_ _ _ Ch_ _ _ _, mom, what in THE HELL did you do?!!" "I tried to cook a honey bun", I said, in the most pitiful, sorrowful-sounding voice I could muster. Josh surveyed the damage, grabbed a fresh honey bun, tossed it in the microwave, and pushed ONE button. He looked back at me and said "Haven't you ever used a microwave before?" "Come here and I'll show you how it works". I shuffled over, tail between my legs, for the tutorial. "Oh, ok!" I said, trying to sound convincing (I still didn't have a clue). He looked at me for a few seconds, his frown began to fade and, shaking his head, let out a little chuckle. In an embarrassed and dejected tone, I squeaked, "Do you know where the air freshener is?"

After a few moments, Josh walked back into the kitchen and plucked a perfectly cooked honeybun out of the microwave. He walked me to the dining room table and sat my breakfast in front of me. He then disappeared around the corner in search of the air freshener. As I ate my honeybun in silence and rejection (even the dogs were keeping a safe distance), I remembered that I had made an odd 911 call to Peg and that it was quite likely that by now, she had deployed the National Guard on a search and rescue mission to find Josh. "Oh my GOD", I thought to myself, "How do I explain THIS?" Smoke still slowly evaporated into the air, filling the house with that horrible stench. Moments later, Josh re-appeared and announced that they didn't have any air freshener. He quietly moved to couch in the living room and sat down. I realized that my only hope was to open some windows and pray that the smell would filter out by the time Tia got home. Ten minutes later, I bravely stood up and walked toward the living room, carefully maintaining a safe distance from the couch. "Josh", I called out, "I think I'll go take a shower and get ready to go to the doctor". Josh made a half-turn toward me and muttered "ok". As I rounded the corner for the bathroom, I said "Oh by the way Josh, you might want to call Peg so she'll know you're all right". Before he could process what I had just said, I was in the bathroom behind a securely locked door.

UNSUNG HEROES

This is a reasonable facsimile of what my sweet kids looked like when I arrived....

I was scheduled to meet with my new doctor the day after I arrived in Myrtle Beach, and since I arrived about 9pm the night before, it sort of felt like I stepped off the plane and into the doctor'soffice. It was OK with me though, because I was anxious to hear what this guy had to say and what approach he would take. But not before I got to see my sweet 4-legged grandpuppies and their wonderful parents!

The handsome dude on the left is Robert, better known as Bob. Actually, he has quite a variety
of names, some of which include Bobby, Bobbo, and Bobbolicious (his father has some particularly special names for him sometimes. For instance, the time he ripped the water pipe right out of the ground.) He's 104 lbs of slobber, love and fun!

The princess on the right is Susan. She has other names too, but she wouldn't allow me to list them here. Unlike her "brother", Susan has a definite countenance about her and she does not suffer fools lightly. She is THE queen diva in every sense of the word and if she knew I posted this picture of her, she'd probably find some way to kill me. You can't even see her tiara in that position! ANYWAY............

This is what they looked like when I left.....

Lost in Space

I can't tell you what happened after my trip to the "Bates Motel". I can't tell you because I honestly can't remember! I know I felt totally hopeless. I felt like every possible door back to normalcy had been slammed shut on me. I'm sure I went back to bed. I just don't remember. It's like someone changed the channel during a recording. My brain is just missing that particular part of the adventure. All I DO remember is that Josh (my son) wanted me to go see him in Myrtle Beach. I didn't want to go. Didn't he know that I was sick? I didn't even know if I could make it! Face it, I fell down quite often between my bedroom and the bathroom and those two rooms are connected!! I didn't particularly want my kids to see me this way, but then I really didn't care about anything anymore. I didn't have the money or the time for a "vacation". I needed to stay home and focus on getting better. Josh was not thinking of this trip as a vacation. He told me he thought his doctor might be able to help me. He bought me a round trip ticket and arranged the entire trip. How could I not go?

I boarded the plane for Josh and Tia's on September 16th, feeling nothing. Priority 1 was to obtain a glass of White Zin. I may as well celebrate while I can, right? WRONG. Upon inquiring, I am told that yes, they do have White Zin, and it's a bargain at $7.00 PER GLASS. Even I, in my fogged and addictedly-labeled mind, was not willing to spend $7.00 for what couldn't be more than 3 oz. of wine!

It's a long trip, going from Idaho to South Carolina. In healthier times, I was not one to sit still for more than about 20 minutes at a time, so normally, the thought of a long plane trip did not appeal to me. However, in the state I was in, I figured if nothing else, I could get some good sleep time. That was not to be, thanks to my fellow passengers. I must have realized that I may not remember what went on and curiously, I seemed interested enough to write down the events on each leg of the trip. This is what I wrote (Please don't allow the following to offend you. Remember my state of mind -clearly absent!)

I'm on a mission this year. It's all business and I'm going to work on getting my old self back in shape again. I just want to note a few incidents, as I find them a bit amusing, "warped as I am".

1st Leg, Spokane to Phoenix:
Sat by a very interesting couple. He is very much a larger (and older) cowboy.
Wife (?) was of the Asian persuasion. Once we were in the air, "she" commenced to climb all over him with the highest pitched, whiniest little voice!! OK, you've made it abundantly clear that you want something from that man! We hear you!!

2nd Leg, Phoenix to Charlotte: Yea baby, I'm almost there! Mind you, I coughed almost all the way, but no meltdowns. As I stood up to depart the plane, a kindly older gent from a few rows behind me pats me on the shoulder and shouts "You sound just like I did!" After I relayed a brief synopsis of my saga, he said, in a slight Bronx accent, "You just make 'em keep lookin', girly, and they'll find it. Took 'em 6 years to find mine". "What was it?" I eagerly asked. "Cansuh - 'Bout the size of an egg". Thanks, mister. YOU have a fine day.

I didn't write anything about my final leg of the trip - the one from Charlotte to Myrtle, but I do remember looking down on the City of Charlotte after takeoff and getting a distinct feeling of melancholy. My oldest son, my daughter, and their families live not far from Charlotte and I wasn't going to see them at all. I became extremely sad, and tears welled up in my eyes. Why can some of the people you love the most be so close and yet, you're not quite able to touch them? (Those of you who know me understand that I consider crying extremely sappy, and I just HATE to cry. But cry I did, right there on that airplane, right in front of all those happy travelers).

I arrived in Myrtle and climbed off the plane. I wondered what was going to happen next. I felt lost, helpless and alone. I was afraid. I walked along slowly (because I couldn't do it any other way). I finally looked up, and at the end of the concourse stood my sweet baby Josh and his wonderful wife Tia. I felt redeemed!! I wasn't alone!! People I love were right there to help me! For the first time in a long while, a little spark of light came shining in and kindled something in me that I had not felt for some time. There was HOPE!!