The Awakening....

During one of our later sessions, Dr. Grant asked me what I was going to be doing in 5 years. The question took me by surprise, since for most of the year I'd spent all my energy just trying to make it to the next day! After a few moments thought, I told him I had been more focused on what I wanted to do after retirement. "Ok", he said, "What are your plans after retirement?" I told him my dream of wintering in North/South Carolina and spending the summer in North Idaho. He asked me how I was going to make that happen. (He obviously didn't get the part about it being a DREAM). "Well," I said, "first and foremost, we have to pay off our bills!" He asked me how much I owed, and, ashamedly hanging my head, I told him - "Almost $50,000.00". A slight grin came over his face and he said "Do you know how much debt my wife and I have right now?" (Mind you, the man has attended school for the majority of his life and his wife also owed on several student loans. They also had property in North Carolina, along with various other debts they'd acquired.) As he spoke however, I was thinking "So what? You're a doctor! You can afford to carry that debt load and have it paid off in a few years!" Then he told me how far in debt they were. I nearly passed out right there in the chair!! Unfazed, he explained how he and his wife decided to make getting out of debt a priority. They set about a plan. He listed all of his debts, then graphed the whole thing on paper. He chose to pay off the debt starting with the single lowest amount. When that debt was paid, he took the payment and placed it toward the next lowest. When that debt was paid, he took the amount of the two paid debts and threw it toward the next. This produced a snowball effect. He updated the graph from month to month, so he could see his debt shrinking. This gave him a sense of accomplishment and spurred him on. "Hmmm", I thought, "I wonder if I could make that work for me?" Dr. Grant suggested that I give it a try. And so was born my first Action Plan. My wildest pipe dream was becoming a goal - to be bi-coastal - a way for me to be near my beloved kids and grand kids and to also remain rooted in the place I knew and loved dearly - the place my ancestors homesteaded before it was even a State.

After my session that day, Josh and I went over what Dr. Grant and I had discussed. Josh said "Sure mom, that is the same technique I used to get Tia and myself out of debt! It's a great system!" He agreed to help me crunch some numbers, which was good because well, I can't figure out a microwave - you take it from there! I listed all my debts, we made a few phone calls to get exact figures, and Josh went into the other room. Within about a half-hour, he returned with a big grin and announced that he had it all figured out. He'd even graphed the whole thing for me. We sat down and he explained to me how it would work and what he discovered - I COULD BE DEBT FREE AND BI-COASTAL IN ONLY 3 AND 1/2 YEARS!!

THAT is when it finally struck me. All of pieces suddenly fell neatly into place. THIS was REALLY GOING TO WORK FOR ME! This cognitive thinking was all I'd hoped for and so much more!! The weight of a million bricks fell from my shoulders like so much dust. I WAS ECSTATIC!! I WAS FREE!! I had my life back again!! For the first time in longer than I could remember, I HAD CONTROL OF MY LIFE!! I can't even describe to you the feeling I felt! A million thoughts rushed into my head. I had it within me to realize ALL of my hopes and dreams (most of which I'd convinced myself would never come true). The list was endless! I could finish school! I could study law and even get a Juris Doctor (not that I desire to practice, but just because I love the law). Kelly and I WEREN'T going to be stuck struggling for the rest of our lives. We can have a wonderful retirement - One we can truly enjoy!! I came as close to soaring that day as any person could hope to do without the aid of wings or planes. The joy comes back to me every time I think of it!! I felt 18 again!! The world was my oyster! I best way I can describe that feeling (as odd as it sounds), is to compare it with the feelings of Frank Cross in the movie "Scrooged", after being forced to follow 3 ghosts around and finally realizing that he had a second chance to "Get it Right" - To become TRULY successful in life. Although the character Cross' and my situations differ considerably, we've both come away from our experiences with similar feelings...

(paraphrased)
"Everybody's gotta have this miracle! It can happen tonight for all of you!
If you believe in this pure thing, the miracle will happen and you'll want it again tomorrow!
You won't say "it's a fraud." It's NOT!
It can happen every day! You've just got to want that feeling!
You'll want it every day! It can happen to you!
I believe in it now!
I believe it's gonna happen to me, now. I'm ready for it!
And it's great. It's a good feeling.
It's better than I've felt in a very long time.
I'm ready..."

A Growing Cognition...

I saw Dr. Grant again on Tuesday. We continued to hone the skills he'd taught me and he recommended some additional books he thought would help. Several of these books are listed on Dr. Grant's website.

We spent some time in each session just talking, and by doing so, more and more "issues" came to the surface. As they surfaced, I began to question how simply working a thought record or completing an S.E.A.T. was going to make everything ok every time. I asked Dr. Grant about this growing suspicion and he understood. He explained that there were many "tools" I could use to "test out" the balanced, or alternative thoughts I derived from the thought record or S.E.A.T. For instance, I unknowingly conducted an experiment of sorts when I decided to "clock out" and take to my bed. "Did it work for you?", he asked. "Well, most definitely NOT!", came my reply. However, I learned from that failed experiment that going to bed for the rest of my life was NOT the solution to my problem, and as tapped out as I was mentally, I continued to search for a solution that would work. I didn't realize I was "experimenting" at the time, but in fact, I was.
"You decided to fly across the United States for help, didn't you?", he asked me. I said, "No I didn't. Josh decided that I needed to do that, and he made it possible for me to get here." "But", he said, "YOU were the one who ultimately made the decision to go, correct? YOU were the one who packed your bags, got on the plane, and flew down here. Josh had nothing to do with that. YOU were the one who ultimately decided to give it a try. You didn't know if it would work, but you decided it was worth a chance, and you took it. And did that experiment work for you?"
Did it WORK for me? Are you kidding?? In the 6 or so days I'd been there, my mood lightened considerably; I felt that I was beginning to think clearly again, and I hadn't taken (or even really cared about taking) one single drink! I was even learning to successfully work Josh and Tia's microwave. Why yes, I believed it WAS working for me!

Dr. Grant then explained that I could conduct experiments on any of the alternative or balanced thoughts I derived from the completed thought records. As my belief in the balanced or alternative thoughts increased, my improved mood became more stabilized. And if the experiments did not support my new beliefs, I could use that information to to create different beliefs that more accurately reflected my experiences. Dr. Grant explained that I would likely have to do a number of experiments before I shifted my old beliefs. The workbook told me that it was important to keep a written record of experiments in order to track results that would accumulate over time.

The whole idea of an experiment is to discover what really happens when we try something new. When experiments don't turn out as we hope, it is time to problem solve, not quit! Sometimes you can tweak your experiment by adding or changing a few steps.
Sometimes a thought record or S.E.A.T. will help you realize and identify a problem that needs to be solved. In these cases, you make an ACTION PLAN.

I practiced working several thought records on past, recurring experiences that evoked negative emotions in me. In some cases, I realized that I was actually making mountains out of mole hills, and I determined that I would conduct experiments to help change my way of thinking so when these experiences happened in the future, I wouldn't make more of them than they really are. In other cases, I realized there were problems that need to be solved, and I knew I could develop Action Plans to solve the problems. It was interesting and a bit exciting as I realized more and more that I really could control the way I felt on a daily basis. I was really beginning to believe it would WORK!

A Bird's Eye View of Christmas...

The other night, when I let my birds out for their nightly visit with the family, Rosie decided to check out the Christmas tree. She flew right onto it, and there she stayed for the majority of the evening! Rosie's first stop on the tree landed her face to face with a glass cockatoo. They look equally surprised to see each other!

"Are you kidding me? Do you actually think that a penquin qualifies as a bird?"

"I'll show you how a bird is SUPPOSED to look on a Christmas Tree!"

"I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille!"

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a Good Night!"

Take a Seat!

Monday arrived and it was time for my next session with Dr. Grant. After meeting with him 2 or 3 times, he gave me a long list of questions that he asked me to complete. After I completed this questionnaire, he used it to determine my "maladies" and gauge their extent. The results? I was suffering from severe depression and severe anxiety. Wow! I was a worse mess than I thought!


I, however, felt like I was definitely making progress. I was learning how to understand my problems and was beginning to realize that my thought patterns (some of which I didn't consciously realize) were contributing to my actions along with my overall mood and feeling of well being. I was also learning about core beliefs and the huge part they play. But I knew I still had work to do because on this particular day, I just wasn't feeling "right". I was also still hacking and coughing 24/7. When Dr. Grant asked me how I was feeling that day, I told him "OK I guess". He asked me just exactly what it was that wasn't OK. After a few moments of thought, all I could come up with was that I was having a BAD hair day. His response? "That's OK...I have hair too". While I had to chuckle at that remark, it failed to erase my sullen mood. I still wasn't feeling really GOOD. It was then that he invited me to "take a seat".
S.E.A.T. is a method that was developed by Dr. Grant. It is very similar to what is referred to as a "Thought Record", something that he'd presented to me the week before. However, S.E.A.T. is simpler to master. While the Thought Record consists of 7 steps, the S.E.A.T. method consists of just 4. Once you learn to understand a little about thoughts, feelings and moods, you have some tools with which to complete a S.E.A.T. And once you master the S.E.A.T., you gain the ability to change the way you think, thus changing the way you feel! It's an amazing concept, but I questioned whether it was something a person could master in a short period of time....

Side Roads...

Wiser and More Distracted
27 May 2008, by marciamarciamarcia

Older Brain Really May Be a Wiser Brain
By SARA REISTAD-LONGPublished: May 20, 2008

New research suggests that memory lapses that occur with age might be a sign of a widening focus of attention. When older people can no longer remember names at a cocktail party, they tend to think that their brainpower is declining. But a growing number of studies suggest that this assumption is often wrong. Instead, the research finds, the aging brain is simply taking in more data and trying to sift through a clutter of information, often to its long-term benefit.....

There are at least 10 other things I should be doing right now besides blogging. It is Saturday for heavens sake, the day I should be cleaning house, doing laundry, or any number of other things any responsible woman would do on Saturday. Oh, don't get the wrong idea! Most of the time, I actually enjoy responsibility and I commit to the responsibilities I'm given. Sometimes, however (like now), my brain seems to become uncontrollably distracted, and when this happens, I have no choice but to roll with it. It's not something that happens regularly. Sometimes I actually welcome it because it can be rather cleansing. All the garbage that has managed to enter my brain is somehow released, leaving me able to think much more clearly. It's not unlike freeing up space on the hard drive of your computer. Sometimes I wish I could make it happen on command and other times, I wish it never happened because I can't get any one thing done! The only way I can explain it is to allow you to climb inside my head and take a look for yourself...

(Typical thought process in distracted mode)

Hmmm, I really have a lot to get done today. Get the house cleaned so you don't have to worry about it on what should be a day of rest. Finish making the Christmas gifts and oh, go get some wrapping paper and ribbon so you can wrap the gifts you have finished....Is Walmart open all night? Wonder what's on TV? Cool! "I Love Lucy"...I LOVE Lucy! I could watch it all day...Oh, what's this? A Christmas movie! I LOVE old Christmas movies. And BONUS! Jimmy Stewart is in it. I just love Jimmy Stewart...

Well, are you just going to lie here all day? What about your blog? You actually have 2 followers now! You really need to keep updating regularly so they will continue to follow...Geez, I'll be glad when I get through telling about my sojourn through the hell of depression...I need something to listen to...I'll turn TV onto the satellite station with non-stop Christmas carols....Wow, this coffee table really needs dusting and who keeps moving stuff around on here? I put these things in a certain place for a reason, you know!

Hi birds! Hi my birdas, how are you doing today? Need some water, Rosie? Ok, mom will get you some water. Hi, L.V.! You need some water too? No? Well! You don't need to hiss at me! I promise I'll let you out later, buddy...Don't get so mad at me! Ok Rose, here's your water - Your food looks good....Well, not "good" exactly, it's just seeds after all...Must look good to you though, huh? Ok, guess I'll go blog. Check out your favorite blog sites first to see how they're doing...Oh look, CW's doing a Christmas alphabet (wonder how she'll deal with 'i'?) And look at CR's site. That picture she's got at the top is so cute and it's just how I remember her! In my mind, she'll always be 4 years old! Funny, since she's actually become quite accomplished, with her wonderful husband and 3 lovely daughters, her work and all that. I'll link over to RP -GEEZ, he hasn't posted since Nov 23rd! What the heck? Yea, you're the one to talk, mtnmuddah! Get posting...

Wait, I need to get a soda. Man, every dish in the house is dirty, what's up with that? Wonder what's going on at Huck's website....Oh look! Carly has some new photos of herself and Carson on her MySpace page...Geez, that guy in front of her has curly hair...wonder if she knows him...BLOG, DAMMIT! Oh, I can't think. Do something concrete...Start the clothes....Colored first...Hey look, Cody threw all his dirties out here this time. That kid is really shaping up for his Aunt! Colors first...Hmm, not too much laundry this week. Better look under the bed....BLOG!!! Ok, new post. See if you can get your comments to work...Nope. Boy, I really like that ostrich at the top of my page...or is it an emu? I want it to be an ostrich...Tia thinks it's an emu....Maybe it is...What's the difference between an ostrich and an emu? Must be like a wallaby and a kangaroo, or a whippet and a greyhound....

And on it goes....The day is gone and nothing is done yet! Do you ever get into one of these modes? Please tell me you do! I really haven't made any progress on this blog, either! I still have to write about my second week with Dr. Grant and let everyone who cares and doesn't know yet how things turned out. But first, I need to get those clothes in the dryer, and OMG! you're watching Christmas Vacation!! Can you start it over so I can watch it too.....?